I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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