Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
