I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just forgot I was standing up.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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