I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
