apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
