is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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