mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
