bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
