Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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