dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
