GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
