I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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