pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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