I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
