So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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