he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
