Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
