He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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