Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
