So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
