When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
