im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I could fuck to npr.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
