my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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