Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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