she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
