I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
