I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
