I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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