Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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