anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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