Pappa wants mamma naked
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
