Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
being pregnant is like rehab
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
