You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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