I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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