Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
