using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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