My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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