At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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