Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Pants are for mortals
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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