I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
