Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
