I didn't shave. On purpose
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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