Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
