Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My vagina just clenched in fear
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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