I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
