Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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