i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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