News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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