so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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