and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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