two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
