hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm sobbing to NWA
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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